When I first thought of naming this blog, the name that came to mind was "cognitive dissonance". Put simply, it's being at odds with yourself for having two different conflicting opinions about something. My life has been a series of cognitively dissonant chapters and I thought it was a terse description of me. Unfortunately, someone else felt the same way, so I had to go with a slightly different yet still tersely descriptive of my personality.
I'm sitting here tonight feeling conflicted. I've been conflicted before which usually precedes a major change in my life. I was conflicted in religion. I was conflicted in desires. I was conflicted in love. In each event, I attempted to achieve a kind of inner harmony by choosing a side and ending the internal debate.
In religion, I freed my mind from preconceptions and started over by thoroughly examining my beliefs and attempted to provide evidence for or against them. What started as a quest to follow the real "righteous path" so to speak, ended with breaking my beliefs down to a basic underlying foundation that wore away everything I grew up to believe in. It made me a better person, a less judgmental, more universally tolerant person, yet a man who puts my faith in reason and logic. I try not to destroy other's beliefs, but I will challenge them if they're intolerant, verifiably false, or unfounded.
In desire, I fought between the idea of a long-term monogamous relationship in my early 20's and the idea of "playing the field" and "sowing my wild oats". Over time, that internal struggle ended with me making poor decisions and hurting the one person in my life least deserving of it. At the time, I somehow justified my actions to the point I didn't even feel guilty about it, like it was all part of my biological nature and I couldn't fight it. In reality, I was just a giant asshole who couldn't decide who he wanted to be and made a cherished person pay for it in the process. When I got my chance to be "free", I quickly found it was nothing like the fantasy I had built in my head. Sad as it is to say, I believe I had pop that fantasy bubble to move on to become a man capable of having a real, monogamous and loving relationship. I never got the chance.
In love, I realized I made many mistakes and I didn't want to make another. I wanted everything to be right. I wanted to correct my wrongs and I wanted to prove I was worthy of full trust again. I wanted to prove to myself that I had a singular purpose. That purpose would be to pursue a healthy relationship eventually leading to marriage and leave the rocky past behind. By the time I had my shit together, it was too late.
So I watched my dream slowly drift away, at first in the span of minutes, and then days, and then weeks until I finally lost track of the time. I kept hope alive until the bitter end. As time went on, I kept telling myself that I still had a chance, that I could fix the mistakes I made and fulfill her heart's every want. I concocted another fantasy that I'd eventually have to pop.
I don't know when it happened. I didn't just wake up one day and say "I'm okay now." I always worried just how badly I'd flip my shit when I'd find out she was engaged to the other guy. I tried preparing for it, I tried numbing myself to it, I tried hating her, I tried prayer, I tried forgetting about her by pursuing other relationships (both casual and serious), I tried nearly everything (legal).
Then one day I received a phone call from my best friend who was acting a bit odd. He was wondering about my sanity too, but he didn't know that I didn't know. Within about 30 seconds of the conversation starting, I knew what he was about to say. "Have you been on facebook today?" The time had come and I remember doing a self-check. Am I okay? Did the air just leave the room? Has the other shoe dropped? How do I feel about all of this? While still on the phone, I confirmed what he called about and an eerie calm came over me. It's finally over. I can let her go. She found the right person and despite my fantasies, I wasn't him. I don't know if I ever could have been with our history. I'd still like to believe so though if the story was written differently.
So, here I am tonight looking through her wedding pictures with mixed emotions. I realize that though I can't be her man, the one she loves unconditionally and without reservation, that perhaps I can be that man for another. Someone with whom I've never lied to, never broken a trust, never crossed a line with. I want to finally prove that I can be a man worth loving.
Aye, but there's the rub. The reason I've talked so long about my history with cognitive dissonance. Though I'd like to be in another relationship now and ready to be in one, I'm afraid to be hurt pursuing one. I'm afraid to get hurt, hurt someone else, or fall in love with someone who doesn't feel the same toward me. This conflict has kept me on the sidelines in regard to dating because I can't seem to get past it. I try to act like it's something else keeping me from dating. When I get my invisalign done, I'll go on a date. When my house is furnished, I'll go on a date. When hell freezes over, I'll go on a date. Eventually one of the ideas must win out. Either I give up thinking about relationships and live in relative safety knowing my emotional well being will never be compromised, or I put it all on the line knowing the journey is going to be difficult, yet thoroughly satisfying, when I get to the end of the road.
All I know now is that time is running out; the days get shorter with every passing year. I don't want to be in my forties by the time I find the love of my life. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life.
Where is my catalyst?
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Persephone
As some of you already know, one of my cats abruptly died on Friday. She was lethargic and hadn't eaten anything all of Thursday, so I became worried about her. I brought her in first thing on Friday morning and the vet told me she was running a fever. I left her there for tests and told them I'd come and pick her up that afternoon. After a couple of hours, I received a phone call from the vet with "tragic news". He proceeded to tell me that she started developing respiratory issues and they had to incubate her. Some time afterward, she went into cardiac arrest and they attempted to resuscitate her. The vet didn't know what was wrong and asked permission to do a necropsy. I haven't heard back on the results of that yet.
Persephone was only with me for a few months. I adopted her when she was about 8 months old. She was semi-feral when they brought her in, spayed her, and set her up for adoption. I chose her because she was a playful and curious cat who lit up when I put my fingers in her cage. She took to her new home very quickly and within a day was prancing about like she owned the place. And she did, a place in my heart.
I remember a lot of little things about her. I remember how high she could jump but how poorly she landed. She learned to swat food right out of my hand when she wanted it, and she would have an entire bag of my beef jerky in her mouth and off the couch faster than I could react. She also learned how to jump up on my banister (a good 36-inch jump) and it became her queen of the jungle perch. She chirped but rarely meowed. She could stand up on her hind legs if she wanted to. She used my fish tank as an interactive television. She always sat next to me on the couch while watching tv and slept at the foot of my bed most nights. I really miss her.
I cried when I found out she died. I mean I really lost it as soon as I got to my car. It was a rough day. Some people may make light of a person's affection for their animals, but don't underestimate that affection. I think in some ways animals can be closer to you than people. They'll never hurt you, they're always by your side, they don't judge you, and you'll always be their daddy or mommy. It's been a rough couple of years for me and adopting my two kitties helped get me through a lot of it. It's hard to feel lonely and unloved when you have a purring kitty in your face vying for your attention!
People go through grief in different ways and at different paces. Though I'm not through my paces yet, I am thinking of adopting another cat. I don't know if it's too soon or how Isis will react to her, but I know she senses the loss of her friend. I always wanted two in the house to take care of each other when I wasn't around.
When I think about her short life, it gives me comfort to know that her life was better when it came into mine. I know a cat has simple needs, but I think she had a pretty good life while she was with me. I think I can bring that same happiness to another cat without a home.
When I'm ready.
Persephone was only with me for a few months. I adopted her when she was about 8 months old. She was semi-feral when they brought her in, spayed her, and set her up for adoption. I chose her because she was a playful and curious cat who lit up when I put my fingers in her cage. She took to her new home very quickly and within a day was prancing about like she owned the place. And she did, a place in my heart.
I remember a lot of little things about her. I remember how high she could jump but how poorly she landed. She learned to swat food right out of my hand when she wanted it, and she would have an entire bag of my beef jerky in her mouth and off the couch faster than I could react. She also learned how to jump up on my banister (a good 36-inch jump) and it became her queen of the jungle perch. She chirped but rarely meowed. She could stand up on her hind legs if she wanted to. She used my fish tank as an interactive television. She always sat next to me on the couch while watching tv and slept at the foot of my bed most nights. I really miss her.
I cried when I found out she died. I mean I really lost it as soon as I got to my car. It was a rough day. Some people may make light of a person's affection for their animals, but don't underestimate that affection. I think in some ways animals can be closer to you than people. They'll never hurt you, they're always by your side, they don't judge you, and you'll always be their daddy or mommy. It's been a rough couple of years for me and adopting my two kitties helped get me through a lot of it. It's hard to feel lonely and unloved when you have a purring kitty in your face vying for your attention!
People go through grief in different ways and at different paces. Though I'm not through my paces yet, I am thinking of adopting another cat. I don't know if it's too soon or how Isis will react to her, but I know she senses the loss of her friend. I always wanted two in the house to take care of each other when I wasn't around.
When I think about her short life, it gives me comfort to know that her life was better when it came into mine. I know a cat has simple needs, but I think she had a pretty good life while she was with me. I think I can bring that same happiness to another cat without a home.
When I'm ready.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Top 6 discontinued foods I've loved and lost
The food industry is a merciless whore when it comes to teasing me with its comfort confections and salt-laden sins. (Yes I'm an alliterative junkie, I also like to use parens). It seems like every "for limited time only" product ever made becomes my temporary obsession only to be absconded due to a lack of customer appeal. I apparently like everything that no one else does (except for crystal pepsi. That shit just ain't right.) Below are six favorites I've loved and lost.
Outside of Lasagna, Wagon Wheels was the best HH flavor ever concocted. I've probably eaten twice my body weight of it over my lifetime until the day it just disappeared (like my six-pack abs). You might find this as a surprise, but Hamburger Helper has actually discontinued 12 different brands since its humble beginnings in 1971. * - Courtesy of Wikipedia
Oh. my. god. I first found these little delight in an Albertson's across the street from my apartment in Tulsa in 2004 I believe. It was simple, ingenious, and love at first taste. The Inside Out Kit Kat bar was just like a regular Kit Kat except the outside was white chocolate and the inside was chocolate creme with chocolate wafers. I'm pretty sure I bought out the store at least once when I found out it limited edition. As it turns out, the much lamer and less inventive white chocolate Kit Kat also started out limited edition until consumer demand made it a permanent edition to the family. I'm still waiting for a re-up, don't hold out on me, Kit Kat.
Actually, I'm not even sure if they've been discontinued, but I can't find the canned tortellinis anywhere anymore. They were the only canned pasta I ever ate. The only ones I can find are beef raviolis, cheese raviolis, overstuffed raviolis, mini-raviolis, and beefaroni. Do you know what's better than canned ravioli? If your answer was more canned ravioli, you're in luck. Maybe I don't want canned ravioli, Chef. Did you ever think of that? Maybe I wanted canned tortellini, dammit. There's a difference!
Fun fact - spaghettios.com redirects you to myslurp.com. Whoever thought up that genius name probably thought up a dozen different types of ravioli too.
Do you know what's better than thinly sliced roast beef, bacon, melted cheddar cheese, parmesan sauce, and a slice of swiss? Nothing. The Arby's Triple Cheese and Bacon was the best sandwich that's ever come out of a fast food restaurant. And I'm an expert because I worked at Arby's and I had literally everything on the menu at least twice. (This was before those disgusting onion petals became a side item). This was the sandwich that could make a vegetarian relapse, a PETA member recant, and a regular person regurgitate just to eat it again. It was that good. You can still make a double cheese and bacon if you really wanted to, but it's just not the same.
If you're above the age of 20, you probably remember the commercials (click the link) for Viennetta. It wasn't just another ice cream, it was the Rolls Royce of ice creams. The commercials always featured a refined gentleman's voiceover and an atmosphere of fine dining. In fact, it was a requirement to eat it with your pinky up in the air knowing you had climbed out of ice cream obscurity and into the lap of luxury. As it turns out, this product was only discontinued in the United States. Much like universal healthcare, legal prostitution, and college-educated citizens, we'll have to go overseas to find a good Viennetta fix.
I saved the best for last. Olive Garden's famous chocolate lasagna also known as the best dessert I've ever had in my life. (Sorry Don Pablo's chocolate volcano, you were only my mistress) Layer after layer of moist chocolate cake, butter cream, chocolate cake, butter cream, chocolate cake, butter cream, CHOCOLATE CHUNKS. I still remember the last time I had chocolate lasagna. . . .it was in Tulsa. ::sigh:: I boycotted the Olive Garden for years afterward, but admittedly I've relapsed. I still hate Olive Garden's decision to remove it from their menu though. I cannot believe it wasn't popular enough to stay. There are online petitions and facebook groups devoted to bringing it back, not to mention pages after pages of copycat recipes. I want my wedding cake to be one giant chocolate lasagna. If I had three wishes, one of them would be to have an endless supply of chocolate lasagna at my disposal. My last meal on death row would end in a chocolate lasagna.
What discontinued foods have you loved and lost?
1. Barbecue "Wagon Wheels" Hamburger Helper
"Wagon Wheels is the sheeeeeit." - Helping Hand
- Beef Romanoff (still available in Canada)
- Beef and Garlic Potatoes
- Beef Stew
- Cheddar & Broccoli
- Hash
- Macaroni & Cheese
- Meatloaf
- Pizza Bake
- Rice Oriental (Officially discontinued, but occasionally still available in some stores)
- Wild Rice & Mushrooms
- Wagon Wheels (also called "Barbecue" aka the best damn flavor ever)
- Zesty Mexican
2. Inside out Kit-Kat bars
Oh yeah, break me off a piece of that
Oh. my. god. I first found these little delight in an Albertson's across the street from my apartment in Tulsa in 2004 I believe. It was simple, ingenious, and love at first taste. The Inside Out Kit Kat bar was just like a regular Kit Kat except the outside was white chocolate and the inside was chocolate creme with chocolate wafers. I'm pretty sure I bought out the store at least once when I found out it limited edition. As it turns out, the much lamer and less inventive white chocolate Kit Kat also started out limited edition until consumer demand made it a permanent edition to the family. I'm still waiting for a re-up, don't hold out on me, Kit Kat.
3. Chef Boyardee Tortellinis
The best value for your hard earned food stamps
Fun fact - spaghettios.com redirects you to myslurp.com. Whoever thought up that genius name probably thought up a dozen different types of ravioli too.
4. Triple Cheese and Bacon - Arby's
[The perfect sandwich goes here]
I'd find a picture, but I don't want you to cry yourself to sleep over a sandwich.
Do you know what's better than thinly sliced roast beef, bacon, melted cheddar cheese, parmesan sauce, and a slice of swiss? Nothing. The Arby's Triple Cheese and Bacon was the best sandwich that's ever come out of a fast food restaurant. And I'm an expert because I worked at Arby's and I had literally everything on the menu at least twice. (This was before those disgusting onion petals became a side item). This was the sandwich that could make a vegetarian relapse, a PETA member recant, and a regular person regurgitate just to eat it again. It was that good. You can still make a double cheese and bacon if you really wanted to, but it's just not the same.
5. Viennetta
If you're above the age of 20, you probably remember the commercials (click the link) for Viennetta. It wasn't just another ice cream, it was the Rolls Royce of ice creams. The commercials always featured a refined gentleman's voiceover and an atmosphere of fine dining. In fact, it was a requirement to eat it with your pinky up in the air knowing you had climbed out of ice cream obscurity and into the lap of luxury. As it turns out, this product was only discontinued in the United States. Much like universal healthcare, legal prostitution, and college-educated citizens, we'll have to go overseas to find a good Viennetta fix.
6. Olive Garden's Chocolate Lasagna
Heaven's only dessert
I saved the best for last. Olive Garden's famous chocolate lasagna also known as the best dessert I've ever had in my life. (Sorry Don Pablo's chocolate volcano, you were only my mistress) Layer after layer of moist chocolate cake, butter cream, chocolate cake, butter cream, chocolate cake, butter cream, CHOCOLATE CHUNKS. I still remember the last time I had chocolate lasagna. . . .it was in Tulsa. ::sigh:: I boycotted the Olive Garden for years afterward, but admittedly I've relapsed. I still hate Olive Garden's decision to remove it from their menu though. I cannot believe it wasn't popular enough to stay. There are online petitions and facebook groups devoted to bringing it back, not to mention pages after pages of copycat recipes. I want my wedding cake to be one giant chocolate lasagna. If I had three wishes, one of them would be to have an endless supply of chocolate lasagna at my disposal. My last meal on death row would end in a chocolate lasagna.
What discontinued foods have you loved and lost?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)