Cognitive Dissonance

When I first thought of naming this blog, the name that came to mind was "cognitive dissonance".  Put simply, it's being at odds with yourself for having two different conflicting opinions about something.  My life has been a series of cognitively dissonant chapters and I thought it was a terse description of me.  Unfortunately, someone else felt the same way, so I had to go with a slightly different yet still tersely descriptive of my personality.

I'm sitting here tonight feeling conflicted.  I've been conflicted before which usually precedes a major change in my life.  I was conflicted in religion.  I was conflicted in desires.  I was conflicted in love.  In each event, I attempted to achieve a kind of inner harmony by choosing a side and ending the internal debate. 

In religion, I freed my mind from preconceptions and started over by thoroughly examining my beliefs and attempted to provide evidence for or against them.  What started as a quest to follow the real "righteous path" so to speak, ended with breaking my beliefs down to a basic underlying foundation that wore away everything I grew up to believe in.  It made me a better person, a less judgmental, more universally tolerant person, yet a man who puts my faith in reason and logic.  I try not to destroy other's beliefs, but I will challenge them if they're intolerant, verifiably false, or unfounded. 

In desire, I fought between the idea of a long-term monogamous relationship in my early 20's and the idea of "playing the field" and "sowing my wild oats".  Over time, that internal struggle ended with me making poor decisions and hurting the one person in my life least deserving of it.  At the time, I somehow justified my actions to the point I didn't even feel guilty about it, like it was all part of my biological nature and I couldn't fight it.  In reality, I was just a giant asshole who couldn't decide who he wanted to be and made a cherished person pay for it in the process.  When I got my chance to be "free", I quickly found it was nothing like the fantasy I had built in my head.  Sad as it is to say, I believe I had pop that fantasy bubble to move on to become a man capable of having a real, monogamous and loving relationship.  I never got the chance.

In love, I realized I made many mistakes and I didn't want to make another.  I wanted everything to be right.  I wanted to correct my wrongs and I wanted to prove I was worthy of full trust again.  I wanted to prove to myself that I had a singular purpose.  That purpose would be to pursue a healthy relationship eventually leading to marriage and leave the rocky past behind.  By the time I had my shit together, it was too late.

So I watched my dream slowly drift away, at first in the span of minutes, and then days, and then weeks until I finally lost track of the time.  I kept hope alive until the bitter end.  As time went on, I kept telling myself that I still had a chance, that I could fix the mistakes I made and fulfill her heart's every want.  I concocted another fantasy that I'd eventually have to pop. 

I don't know when it happened.  I didn't just wake up one day and say "I'm okay now."  I always worried just how badly I'd flip my shit when I'd find out she was engaged to the other guy.  I tried preparing for it, I tried numbing myself to it, I tried hating her, I tried prayer, I tried forgetting about her by pursuing other relationships (both casual and serious), I tried nearly everything (legal). 

Then one day I received a phone call from my best friend who was acting a bit odd.  He was wondering about my sanity too, but he didn't know that I didn't know.  Within about 30 seconds of the conversation starting, I knew what he was about to say.  "Have you been on facebook today?"  The time had come and I remember doing a self-check.  Am I okay?  Did the air just leave the room?  Has the other shoe dropped?  How do I feel about all of this?  While still on the phone, I confirmed what he called about and an eerie calm came over me.  It's finally over.  I can let her go.  She found the right person and despite my fantasies, I wasn't him.  I don't know if I ever could have been with our history.  I'd still like to believe so though if the story was written differently.

So, here I am tonight looking through her wedding pictures with mixed emotions.  I realize that though I can't be her man, the one she loves unconditionally and without reservation, that perhaps I can be that man for another.  Someone with whom I've never lied to, never broken a trust, never crossed a line with.  I want to finally prove that I can be a man worth loving.

Aye, but there's the rub.  The reason I've talked so long about my history with cognitive dissonance.  Though I'd like to be in another relationship now and ready to be in one, I'm afraid to be hurt pursuing one.  I'm afraid to get hurt, hurt someone else, or fall in love with someone who doesn't feel the same toward me.  This conflict has kept me on the sidelines in regard to dating because I can't seem to get past it.  I try to act like it's something else keeping me from dating.  When I get my invisalign done, I'll go on a date.  When my house is furnished, I'll go on a date.  When hell freezes over, I'll go on a date.  Eventually one of the ideas must win out.  Either I give up thinking about relationships and live in relative safety knowing my emotional well being will never be compromised, or I put it all on the line knowing the journey is going to be difficult, yet thoroughly satisfying, when I get to the end of the road.

All I know now is that time is running out; the days get shorter with every passing year.  I don't want to be in my forties by the time I find the love of my life.  I don't want to be alone the rest of my life.

Where is my catalyst?