Self(ish|less)ness

I have a character flaw.  One that I thought I mostly did away with, but it still creeps beneath the surface waiting to attack at the right moment.  I can be a selfish person.  Generosity and selflessness are not only about time and money as I naively believed.  They are also about thought and opinion.  I have a bad habit of thinking I'm right all the time while not giving deference to others in an argument.  Though my mind works well with hard facts and clear solutions, differing opinions where there is no right answer are difficult to fathom.  I feel that if I spend enough time and thought on a subject, how could I possibly be wrong with the facts to back me up?  I sometimes pretend that I hear the other side of the matter, but I do not.  I only hear myself.  It is only later that review the argument and sometimes glean small truths that I had not paid attention to during the argument.  Even then, I do not admit them to the other person.  Admitting I'm wrong would be weak!  It is usually to the detriment of both the other person and myself, no matter who ends up right in the end.  The problem is that we did not reach an amenable conclusion and both came out wanting.

Everyone has heard of expression of "walking a mile in their shoes".  I must have misunderstood that one, because what I do instead is imagine them walking a mile in my shoes.  I think a lot of the reason that I don't listen is that I refuse to believe that people think completely differently from me sometimes.  I can't count the number of times that someone hasn't been fond of a movie or a song I absolutely loved that didn't make me think "what is wrong with you??"  They're not you.  They haven't been shaped by the same experiences, influences, pains and pleasures of life.  Everyone is different, why have it any other way? 

How do I correct this flaw?  How do I become a better person by truly listening to others' opinions and thoughts and gain an understanding into their mind?  I do not expect to fully understand all the time, but I do not even listen!  I've already drawn my own conclusions before words can be exchanged.  It's because I think my opinions are above those of others.  Like I'm the only one who's thought through the issues and can discern the truth of a matter.  As I write the words, it makes me feel pathetic.  I can look back at a long history of being wrong.  Is it so bold to presume I can be wrong in any differing conversation I have?  I start by listening with an open mind.

Because everyone has different life experiences, they all have different and unique perspectives.  Mine is only one of many.  I know that I have been surprised by the thoughts and likes of others.  I find that when I do have an open mind to try something new, listen to a new a band, hear a new opinion, I often come out changed from the experience.  We don't learn and grow from the microcosm of our own minds but through the mingling of them.  If I'd do away with the lofty heights my own opinions soar to, I could hear and understand what others have to say.  Why ask for them if you know you're right?

I know I'm not right all the time, I don't know why I pretend that I am.  This may be my greatest character flaw in relationships; failing to pay heed to their unique thoughts, opinions, and perspectives.  I won't let it be my undoing.  I do believe selflessness is the greatest bond in a relationship.  It's an easy thing to say.  Practicing it is something I need to work on.

The Emotional Impact of Music

It was suggested to me by a friend that my next blog be about music.  I thought about making a top 10 list or critiquing an album, but instead I decided on a slightly different theme.  The list you're about to read isn't a list of my favorite songs, but a list of a songs that make me feel something strongly.  The best way to read this particular blog is to actually click and listen to the songs I talk about.  Try it, you might like it.

Mad World - Gary Jules 

Though the lyrics don't say much to me, this song reminds me of how insane and senseless the world can be sometimes.  The simplicity of a voice, a piano, and a cello express so much with so little.

Look right through me, look right through me

Congratulations - Blue October
Love is not a feeling to feel, but a promise to keep.  A broken promise creates a broken heart.  A broken heart can hold no promises.

I came to see the light in my best friend
You seemed as happy as you'd ever been
My chance of being open was broken
And now you're Mrs. him.

My words they don't come out right
But I'll try to say I'm happy for you
I think I'm going to take that drive
I want to give you something
I've been wanting to give to you for years
My heart

Dead Memories - Slipknot

You can't live in the past and let your dead memories stop you from letting go.

We were never alive, and we won't be born again.
But I'll never survive with Dead Memories in my heart.

Lateralus - Tool

Ok, so this is one of my favorite songs.  It represents my tendency to predict, analyze, and extrapolate possible paths in my social interactions with people.  Given limited data, I fill in outcomes and apply contingencies well before they've happened due to my pessimistic nature.  After a single romantic encounter, I'm already imagining all of the possibilities and protecting myself from the negative ones.  

Sometimes, I just want to cross the line, embrace the random, feel the rhythm, and lose my self between the sounds.  Just let go.

As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn beyond the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.  

Passive - A Perfect Circle

Honestly, I really like belting this song out when I hear it.  It gives me intense feelings; I'm just not sure why.

Passive aggressive bullshit 

Flood - Jars of Clay

For those that don't know, this is a Christian band that I used to listen to a lot back in the day.  Though I've given up on Christian music as a whole, Jars of Clay certainly captures why a lot of people come to religion in the first place.  When all hope is lost and you're drowning in a sea of despair, the only thing you desperately long for is a hand to reach down and save you. 

My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud

And on that note, Jars of Clay gets two entries.

Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay

I add this with mixed emotions.  I don't advocate for any religion; in truth, I wish all people could follow the golden rule without an eternal reward or condemnation to motivate them.  I also wish people realized community, charity, and morality are not exclusive to religion but can be practiced by all.  That being said, this is not a blog about religion so I'll get off my soapbox.  

To me, this song represents the ideal of worship and faith in something beyond oneself and why it's such a powerful narcotic.  The song has the same pull to me now as it did when I actually had faith.  It feels good to know you're redeemable and unconditionally loved by someone who can never disappoint you.

So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away

Fireflies - Owl City

Oh yeah, that just happened.  Naysayers be damned [*Chris].  This song makes me feel good about life and I can't say that many songs put me in a great mood.  Fireflies makes me want to dance in the rain, gaze at the stars, and imagine a better future as the planet earth turns slowly.  Haters gonna hate.

Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

 What music emotionally charges you?

Online Dating: The Art of Wooing Women over the Internet

I've been on online dating sites for some time now and though I've been only been on like 1.5 dates in my life (most of my girlfriends started as friends), I feel like I could run circles around some of the guys I see posting on these sites.  I've recently gotten some good insight from a friend I met through one of the dating sites who regularly tells me about her crazy dates and some of the messages she gets.  They're surreal to say the least.


For shits and grins, I decided to post a few messages from anonymous males and critique them hopefully to the pleasure of all.  Unfortunately, some of the messages will reference profiles or information about the person.  You'll have to fill in the missing details for yourself.  My comments will be in bold.

Message 1:

Hi. Hmm, that really wasn't that difficult after all. <I typed some letters, hurray!> From what I gathered from your profile, it looks like a lot of idiots message you every day.  <and I am one of them>. I suppose that's part of the problem with these sites. Hopefully, you don't automatically toss mine because I must say I'm intrigued by some of the stuff you wrote. <translation: you're hot> First, what exactly is an "emotionally nutritious" life? I've tried to speculate, but I can't seem to come up with anything that would fit into that analogy. <truthfully, I'm just glad you could spell nutritious>

I'm going to guess that your netflix queue doesn't compare to mine. <I'm also going to guess you don't really give a shit about my netflix queue> I once had 225 movies in my queue. I've recently cut it down to 186. :( <seriously?? no comment> I've also rated over 1700 movies. I have a life seriously! <no, I don't> I just really enjoy movies. <and never dating> Netflix has finally gotten to the point where it can suggest a movie to me that I haven't already seen and will probably like. <enough with netflix fanboy> Although, I have to admit I'm more mainstream than you are as far as movie choices go. <meaning it wasn't in my list of 1700 movies>  At least with our favorites. So if you had one movie to suggest to a semi-random stranger (which I am) <you don't say> that I probably wouldn't find in Blockbuster, what would it be? I completely agree with you about their selection too. I have a love/hate relationship with Blockbuster, but that's another story. <not one you'll ever want to hear>

Lastly, <are you writing an essay for English class??> I have to admit if I wasn't so fascinated with computers when I was younger, I probably would have studied psychology. I really enjoy figuring out what makes people tick.  <and why I can't get a date> Especially those that most would consider aberrations to society.  <translation: I dig insane people> I would love to pick your brain about the subject.  <if you don't file a restraining order first>

Ok well, I think I'm done writing for the time being. <Thank goddddd> I hope to hear from you soon.  <don't hold your breath>


Where did this guy go wrong?  Where _didn't_ he go wrong?  Monotonous subjects, message was entirely too long, overly formal, and he geeked out too early and too often.  I bet the entire message wasn't even read.  Let's hope the next guy has more of a clue.


Message 2:
Subject: Life, the Universe, and Everything
Hi,

I just read your profile and I find you fascinating, <hur hur, you're hot> so I thought I'd write. First, I'd like to ask what attracts you to being a midwife? That must easily be in the top three oldest professions.  <right behind prostitution!> It's an interesting career, so I was curious what compels you toward it. <I'm willing to bet it's not the money>

You said you're "smart as needed/appropriate", what do you mean by that exactly? I assume a couple of things, but would rather ask you instead of wonder. <I assume you're not really smart, but I want clarification>

Given a "small adventure" you've never done but always wanted to, what would that small adventure be and why haven't you done it yet? <nice icebreaker, hopefully you're quoting her profile?>

Well, I won't deluge <let's keep the esoteric vocabulary out of the first message mmmk?  besides inundate is a better word /vocab nerd> you with any more questions just yet, but I wanted to get to know you better and what better way right.  <than an actual date!>

As to questions about me, I'm sure you could come up with plenty because my profile isn't exactly normal right now. <neither am I> So ask me anything, and I mean anything and I will answer honestly as much as you are comfortable.  <are you getting creeper vibes yet, honey?>

Hope to hear from you soon,  <if I haven't scared you off yet>

Alright, this guy has a shorter message, but still pretty wordy.  He did put a decent icebreaker question and could have ran with just that and a couple of witty remarks about her profile, but unfortunately didn't quite go in that direction.  He's better off than the first guy, but not by much.


Message 3:

Subject: short and sweet, promise
I'm going to just come right out and say it. You're beautiful and have a fascinating personality at least from what I can tell of your profile.  <finally, a little honesty - how about "I heart your face off"> Now the one question I have is, why is it that you've been single for so long? <what I meant to say was...WTF is wrong with you??> You seem approachable and nice.  <you're a stuckup bitch aren't you, I bet that's it> There has to have been guys that have had the gumption to ask you out.  <"has to have been" and "gumption"  /fail>

So that's my one question for now. If you happen to read this through all of the chuckle heads <including me> that have no doubt messaged you with "hey, what's up? want to hang out?", I hope you find this message. <though it's not short or sweet as I promised> As for my profile, well let's call it a satire/social experiment. Feel free to ask me anything, I'm quite open.  <can't you already tell?>

Looking forward to hearing from you. <in my fantasies>


This guy is just trying too hard and it shows.  The message is honest and thoughtful, but dull and leaves no mystery.  On the plus side, only two paragraphs!

Message 4:

Subject: Do you have something against the colorblind??  <at least it will grab her attention>

 

Pink elephants, green tutus, and aquamarine pigs...you're breaking colorblind hearts everywhere, not to mention the WoW geeks.  <really wish I knew what he's referring to in this comment>

I am a geek, just want to be honest upfront. <I'm sure you wouldn't have figured it out otherwise> Label me as "computer geek", it's what I do, it's what I love. I'd like to think I'm one of those witty, loveable <spelling fail> geeks though like Michael Cera in...well any of his roles, because he only has one.  <I just can't think of a single movie>

If I had to lose one sense, I'd have to say taste. Taste only affects eating and gives you the advantage of being able to eat just about anything no matter how awful tasting it is, god would I miss chocolate though.  <that's good to know . . .>

So what are your favorite heavy metal bands? <desperately seeking something in common with you!>

Well, the entire message is pretty boring.  Boxing yourself into a stereotype isn't the smartest move in your first message either.  Let the girl get to know you and decide for herself if you're Michael Cera's doppelganger (hint: you're not).  She might message you back if she's bored as well.  Sorry buddy.

Message 5:

Subject: Romantic & nerdy

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Message me back,

bad poetry will do.

Epic....win!  Short, sweet, and a bit clever.  Mysterious for sure.  The only problem with this message is that it could be copied and pasted to a hundred different girls and that might be it's entire undoing.  Other than that, good work sir.  You are on your way to getting a girl on the Internet to talk to you in person.

I could probably go on for hours with other messages, but I'll wait until popular demand encourages me to.  If you liked it, feel free to comment.  Want dating advice?  Feel free to ask.  Want to give me advice?  Go for it.

P.S.  All of these messages were written by me within the last 2 years.  I got 0 replies.  Online dating may not be my specialty, but I'd like to think I'm a far better catch than my messages would suggest.  I hope anyway.