Online Dating: The Art of Wooing Women over the Internet

I've been on online dating sites for some time now and though I've been only been on like 1.5 dates in my life (most of my girlfriends started as friends), I feel like I could run circles around some of the guys I see posting on these sites.  I've recently gotten some good insight from a friend I met through one of the dating sites who regularly tells me about her crazy dates and some of the messages she gets.  They're surreal to say the least.


For shits and grins, I decided to post a few messages from anonymous males and critique them hopefully to the pleasure of all.  Unfortunately, some of the messages will reference profiles or information about the person.  You'll have to fill in the missing details for yourself.  My comments will be in bold.

Message 1:

Hi. Hmm, that really wasn't that difficult after all. <I typed some letters, hurray!> From what I gathered from your profile, it looks like a lot of idiots message you every day.  <and I am one of them>. I suppose that's part of the problem with these sites. Hopefully, you don't automatically toss mine because I must say I'm intrigued by some of the stuff you wrote. <translation: you're hot> First, what exactly is an "emotionally nutritious" life? I've tried to speculate, but I can't seem to come up with anything that would fit into that analogy. <truthfully, I'm just glad you could spell nutritious>

I'm going to guess that your netflix queue doesn't compare to mine. <I'm also going to guess you don't really give a shit about my netflix queue> I once had 225 movies in my queue. I've recently cut it down to 186. :( <seriously?? no comment> I've also rated over 1700 movies. I have a life seriously! <no, I don't> I just really enjoy movies. <and never dating> Netflix has finally gotten to the point where it can suggest a movie to me that I haven't already seen and will probably like. <enough with netflix fanboy> Although, I have to admit I'm more mainstream than you are as far as movie choices go. <meaning it wasn't in my list of 1700 movies>  At least with our favorites. So if you had one movie to suggest to a semi-random stranger (which I am) <you don't say> that I probably wouldn't find in Blockbuster, what would it be? I completely agree with you about their selection too. I have a love/hate relationship with Blockbuster, but that's another story. <not one you'll ever want to hear>

Lastly, <are you writing an essay for English class??> I have to admit if I wasn't so fascinated with computers when I was younger, I probably would have studied psychology. I really enjoy figuring out what makes people tick.  <and why I can't get a date> Especially those that most would consider aberrations to society.  <translation: I dig insane people> I would love to pick your brain about the subject.  <if you don't file a restraining order first>

Ok well, I think I'm done writing for the time being. <Thank goddddd> I hope to hear from you soon.  <don't hold your breath>


Where did this guy go wrong?  Where _didn't_ he go wrong?  Monotonous subjects, message was entirely too long, overly formal, and he geeked out too early and too often.  I bet the entire message wasn't even read.  Let's hope the next guy has more of a clue.


Message 2:
Subject: Life, the Universe, and Everything
Hi,

I just read your profile and I find you fascinating, <hur hur, you're hot> so I thought I'd write. First, I'd like to ask what attracts you to being a midwife? That must easily be in the top three oldest professions.  <right behind prostitution!> It's an interesting career, so I was curious what compels you toward it. <I'm willing to bet it's not the money>

You said you're "smart as needed/appropriate", what do you mean by that exactly? I assume a couple of things, but would rather ask you instead of wonder. <I assume you're not really smart, but I want clarification>

Given a "small adventure" you've never done but always wanted to, what would that small adventure be and why haven't you done it yet? <nice icebreaker, hopefully you're quoting her profile?>

Well, I won't deluge <let's keep the esoteric vocabulary out of the first message mmmk?  besides inundate is a better word /vocab nerd> you with any more questions just yet, but I wanted to get to know you better and what better way right.  <than an actual date!>

As to questions about me, I'm sure you could come up with plenty because my profile isn't exactly normal right now. <neither am I> So ask me anything, and I mean anything and I will answer honestly as much as you are comfortable.  <are you getting creeper vibes yet, honey?>

Hope to hear from you soon,  <if I haven't scared you off yet>

Alright, this guy has a shorter message, but still pretty wordy.  He did put a decent icebreaker question and could have ran with just that and a couple of witty remarks about her profile, but unfortunately didn't quite go in that direction.  He's better off than the first guy, but not by much.


Message 3:

Subject: short and sweet, promise
I'm going to just come right out and say it. You're beautiful and have a fascinating personality at least from what I can tell of your profile.  <finally, a little honesty - how about "I heart your face off"> Now the one question I have is, why is it that you've been single for so long? <what I meant to say was...WTF is wrong with you??> You seem approachable and nice.  <you're a stuckup bitch aren't you, I bet that's it> There has to have been guys that have had the gumption to ask you out.  <"has to have been" and "gumption"  /fail>

So that's my one question for now. If you happen to read this through all of the chuckle heads <including me> that have no doubt messaged you with "hey, what's up? want to hang out?", I hope you find this message. <though it's not short or sweet as I promised> As for my profile, well let's call it a satire/social experiment. Feel free to ask me anything, I'm quite open.  <can't you already tell?>

Looking forward to hearing from you. <in my fantasies>


This guy is just trying too hard and it shows.  The message is honest and thoughtful, but dull and leaves no mystery.  On the plus side, only two paragraphs!

Message 4:

Subject: Do you have something against the colorblind??  <at least it will grab her attention>

 

Pink elephants, green tutus, and aquamarine pigs...you're breaking colorblind hearts everywhere, not to mention the WoW geeks.  <really wish I knew what he's referring to in this comment>

I am a geek, just want to be honest upfront. <I'm sure you wouldn't have figured it out otherwise> Label me as "computer geek", it's what I do, it's what I love. I'd like to think I'm one of those witty, loveable <spelling fail> geeks though like Michael Cera in...well any of his roles, because he only has one.  <I just can't think of a single movie>

If I had to lose one sense, I'd have to say taste. Taste only affects eating and gives you the advantage of being able to eat just about anything no matter how awful tasting it is, god would I miss chocolate though.  <that's good to know . . .>

So what are your favorite heavy metal bands? <desperately seeking something in common with you!>

Well, the entire message is pretty boring.  Boxing yourself into a stereotype isn't the smartest move in your first message either.  Let the girl get to know you and decide for herself if you're Michael Cera's doppelganger (hint: you're not).  She might message you back if she's bored as well.  Sorry buddy.

Message 5:

Subject: Romantic & nerdy

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Message me back,

bad poetry will do.

Epic....win!  Short, sweet, and a bit clever.  Mysterious for sure.  The only problem with this message is that it could be copied and pasted to a hundred different girls and that might be it's entire undoing.  Other than that, good work sir.  You are on your way to getting a girl on the Internet to talk to you in person.

I could probably go on for hours with other messages, but I'll wait until popular demand encourages me to.  If you liked it, feel free to comment.  Want dating advice?  Feel free to ask.  Want to give me advice?  Go for it.

P.S.  All of these messages were written by me within the last 2 years.  I got 0 replies.  Online dating may not be my specialty, but I'd like to think I'm a far better catch than my messages would suggest.  I hope anyway.